The 41 Funniest Things Ever Said About Love, Sex & Relationships ...

1. ?Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.? ?Dave Attell

2. ?Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.? ?Groucho Marx

3. ?My dick is too aware that your pussy is a chamber of financial ruin!???Louis CK

4. ?A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she?s a tramp.? ?Joan Rivers

5. ?There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.? ?Chris Rock

6. ?Never marry a man you wouldn?t want to be divorced from.? ?Nora Ephron

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7. ?Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.? ?Woody Allen

8. ?Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it?s good, it?s good. When it?s bad, you get it on your shirt.? ?Mike Birbiglia

9. ?Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.? ?Henry?Youngman

10. Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? ?Groucho Marx

11. ?If we take matrimony at it?s lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police.? ??Robert Louis Stevenson

12. ?Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.? ?Oscar Wilde

13. ?I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.? ?Chelsea Handler

14. ?Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we?re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They?re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.? ?Jerry Seinfeld

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15. ?God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.? ?Robin Williams

16. ?My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.? ??Joan Rivers

17. ?What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn?t understand math.? ?Mike Birbiglia

18. ?Women are cursed, and men are the proof.? ?Roseanne Barr

19. ?We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.? ?Lily Tomlin

20. ?Women don?t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think? in a deeper voice.? ?Bill Cosby

21. ?I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt.? -Groucho Marx

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22. ?My wife and I were happy for 20 years ? then we met.? ?Rodney Dangerfield

23. ?It?s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.? ?Marilyn Monroe

24. ?Sex is like air; it?s not important unless you aren?t getting any.? ?John Callahan

25. ?Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.? ?Woody Allen

26. ?Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy.? ?Steve Martin

27. ?I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend?s penis and all of a sudden I?m thinking, ?Oh My God, I?m turning into my mother!?? ?Sarah Silverman

28. ?If Jack?s in love, he?s no judge of Jill?s beauty.? ?Benjamin Franklin

29. ?She said she wanted a separation. I was horrified, and I said, ?You want me to wear a condom!????Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

30. ?I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don?t wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.? -Maria Bamford

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31. Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don?t you? ?Damn I got to get the hell out of here! What was I thinking!??Dave Attell

32. ?It?s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn?t even speak to each other if they met at a party.? ?Nick Hornby

33. ?Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.? ?Groucho Marx

34. ?You know the stripper myth? There?s a stripper myth, that?s being perpetuated throughout society. The myth is, ?I?m strippin? to pay my tuition.? No you?re not! There?s no strippers in college! There?s no clear heels in biology! Shit, man. I didn?t know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, ?If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete!?? ?Chris Rock

35. ?A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he`s not very bright.? ?Lucille Ball

36. ?My first time I jacked off, I thought I?d invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.? ?Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

Plus:?The Boldest Way To Pick Up Chicks In The History Of Picking Up Chicks

37. ?Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.? ?Helen Gurley Brown

38. ?I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it?s fantastic.? ?Woody Allen

39. ?You?d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.? ? Dolly Parton

40. ?My heart?s in the right place. I know, ?cuz I hid it there.? ?Carrie Fisher

41. ?I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.? ?Woody Allen

Source: http://www.howaboutwe.com/date-report/comedians-love-sex-relationships-joan-rivers-chris-rock/

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